The first few seconds when I wake up are the best, my brain
is not fully engage and I feel happy. But then that’s it, the sad, empty lonely
life I lead kicks back in as I look around this small studio flat.
Picking up a dice from the bedroom table I roll it, need a
three but get a one, not good. I punch myself hard in the leg, it hurts like
hell as it’s still bruised from yesterday.
I roll again, a five.
Five hard slaps around my face.
Finally rolling a three, I get out of bed. Better then
yesterday I thought, no blood.
Everyone seems happy outside, do they not see my sadness?
I pass a couple holding hands, I feel annoyed and envious at
the same time. I wonder which one will break the heart of the other, it is
bound to happen sooner or later.
Made it too work, time to plaster on my fake smile and be
the ‘happy one’ in the office, but first I need to go to the toilet and roll a
three.
I roll a five.
Five hard slaps around my face.
I roll a two.
The hot water burns my hand as I hold it under the tap for
two minutes.
I roll a five again.
Late to my desk, I have to apologise and make an excuse. No
one cares.
During the day, I roll another five, two, and a four which
at least means I get to eat something.
Someone comments on my many trips to the toilet during the
day, I laugh it off saying it’s my age but how could they even imagine the
truth?
It’s dark by the time I get home, the flat is cold and its
silence deafens me.
At 8pm, the big choice, will I throw a six?
I do, YES!!!
I get to throw again.
Another six!!!
My heart starts to pound.
Could it be?
I roll the dice again; time seems to slow down as it spins then
stops at the edge of the table.
Six.
Three sixes!!
Holy shit.
It’s taken 18 months to get to this moment. I can feel
relief wash over me, finally I can end this damn dice game.
Just one more throw to determine the way to finish.
Throw a one or two –Tower Bridge
Throw a three or Four – Severn Bridge
Throw a five – Brooklyn Bridge
Throw a six - Golden Gate Bridge
Warming the dice in my cupped hands, I close my eyes and let
it go. I can hear it spin, it seems louder than before.
Then silence.
I wait a few moments, take a deep breath then open my eyes.
The dice has chosen, now I am free.
