I walked slowly but purposely up that long wooded hill, the sun leaving streaks of narrow light as if showing me the route to my final destination.
People that passed me either looked in horror at my appearance or laughed, I waved at them all regardless. Thing is I was used to it, my whole life wanting the make people happy. It hurt deep in my soul but you are told from a young age to man up, hide your feelings.
Just be happy.
So that’s what I did, I put on the happy face and made sure that I was not seen to be sad. I would come home exhausted at the effort of being the fun one in the group, making them laugh at my quick fire banter.
If only they knew.
All the other times alone with myself, the smile stayed on the mask, not on me, and as the years came and went the sadness grew within me like a sinking ship filling with water.
Still I made them laugh.
But that’s it now, it’s time for one last performance.
I reach the top of the hill, the view is stunning and I choose my spot. The oldest oak tree in the wood, I put my bag down and take out a mirror. My eyes are dark even with the makeup surrounding them, tilting my head I smile broadly, one last big smile.
“What sort of clown are you?” a voice shouts out.
“John Wayne Gacy,” I reply.
“Who the fuck is that?”
“A clown worse than me so fuck off!” God I enjoyed saying that.
Sitting down I wait for the sun to set and plan my final routine, man versus branch.
Suddenly I feel a tug on my jacket. I look around to see a child holding a red bow tie. His Mum rushes over.
“I’m so sorry to disturb your break, he just loves clowns.”
Wow, I haven’t heard that for a long time.
“Is this your bow tie?” I ask.
The boy nods.
“It’s a very cool one.”
He hands it over to me and runs back to his mum.
“He wants you to have it,” the woman explained.
“Well thank you.”
I wave them off and look at the bow tie. A single tear runs down my cheek.
Maybe I’ll wear the happy mask for a little longer so I pack up and go home.
