The Black Dog

I'm struggling tonight with my depression. It hit me really hard today, sort of crept up on me about 10am like a stalking menace.

I try & fight it but I never seem to win, I feel like I'm being dragged off into a cell to be beaten and as much as I try and break free I have to wait for the door to be slightly open then I can make my escape.

It's quite lonely in this cell.

Thoughts from the tattooist's chair

Got inked yesterday & I'm really happy with the result.

Sat in the chair for a whole hour whilst the guy drew on me leaving a permanent statement about me & who I am. "Be not afraid of greatness" not much ambiguity there!

My mind wandered back, thinking about the last 15 years & I realised how much I had changed, my God, so much change. From a quiet unconfident Doctor Who fan who couldn't even look at women let alone talk to them to now not being able to stop talking to anyone, anywhere, anytime. I just love chatting especially if I can make them laugh or smile, Addicted to finding out about people that's what a friend said to me once and he would be right. I'm making up for lost time, to many years just sitting on my arse watching TV and not discovering the most amazing thing - LIFE.

So looking forward to my 40th in October, feels like I can finally draw a line under that old life and be the guy who will do things.

Life begins at 40

So true in my case!.

My eyes see you in black & white,
My heart wants you in colour.

When you look into the window of a house,
you are looking into the owners soul.

When did my life begin?

Am I the egg?
Am I the sperm?
Am I the uterus?
Am I the blood?
Am I the bones?
Am I the head?
Am I the brain?
Am I the hands?
Am I the eyes?
Am I the ears?
Am I the mouth?
Am I the voice?
Am I actually here at all?

Etchings of a life.

I'm sitting on the park bench again. Hot, sweaty & out of breath. I've been running. Yes my usual morning run! Strange though that I didn't see the usual faces must be a first, especially Polly.
I always run some of the way with her, she always talks about her boyfriend and how wonderful he is.
Yes Polly. We run together, up to Hyde Park at least.
But not today.
At least I don't think so?

Home now and had a shower, don't remember having the shower though, but I'm dressed and putting my tie on.
It's 7.15am, plenty of time to talk to Laura, my Fiancé. We have been going through a rough patch recently, can't remember why but she isn't talking to me.
She just walks past me, no kiss, no smile.
She looks in the mirror, her face is sad, what did I do? What can I say to make it right?
I go to the top of the stairs, but I’m too late, she is closing the front door.
I could have shouted out. I should have shouted out.
Why didn’t I?

In the kitchen having breakfast, or have I had breakfast? I feel full so I must have.
The TV is on. They are talking about the Olympic Stadium.
Amazing it seems like only yesterday they announced London as the winning city.
My mind drifts to Laura.
What can I do to make her happy again?
I will have to find a way.

I check my watch its 8.33am, I’m walking down the street to the station.
Don’t even remember leaving the house.
The street is crowded and people seem to surround me, why won’t they get out of my way?

Passing the newspaper vendor but for some reason I don’t buy a paper, I always buy a paper!
No wait, I have one in my hand, must have got it without thinking.
Down the escalator and past the busker, I give him my usual morning nod but he ignores me,
must be having a bad morning.
I smile as I see the train arriving, good timing on my part and I congratulate myself!

On the train, paper open on my lap.
How did I get a seat?
When did I sit down?
I look around. Everybody is doing their own thing. A young girl is listening to her ipod, the guy next to her reading a book, a couple kissing in the corner
and….another man….he’s getting up from his seat….we’re not near the next station yet….He’s opening his ruck sack….he’s…..

White light
Darkness
Pain
Screaming
Smoke
Can’t breath
Feel cold
Feel numb
Feel nothing
Silence

I'm sitting on the park bench again. Hot, sweaty & out of breath. I've been running. Yes my usual morning run….

Names are for Tombstones

Names are for tombstones,

cold and forgotten,

moss overgrowing the granite,

covering names that once lived.

People walk past them,

not caring who they were,

who they loved, 

who they hated.

So many tombstones,

so many names,

stop and look sometimes,

one day they will walk past you too.

Say what?

Some of the funniest things people I know have said:

Yvonne: I don't like tuna it smell like fish!

Dad: Theirs a phone number on the back of this picture, I might give them a call.
Mum: You can't do that.
Dad: Why?
Mum: They may be dead!

Jose: Old people should be shot at birth!

Nick: Is it me or is it moist?

She calms my soul.

Every time I see her,

every time I touch her,

she calms my soul.

Every time she speaks,

every time she smiles,

she calms my soul.

Every time I kiss her,

Every time I make love to her,

she calms my soul.

Every time she holds me,

every time she comforts me,

she calms my soul.

Every time my heart beats,

every time my pulse quickens,

she calms my soul.

She IS my soul.